The first two weeks of the month have been hard and I’ve been in a dark place of disbelief – questioning what God wants for me and why I go through so much pain …
Going through the motions this past week but feeling empty, unsure, and on shaky ground mind, body, and soul…
This my friend, is why it’s so important to be in community with other people who know you, who over time you learn to trust, the ones you can say “I’m NOT ok” too… the ones that won’t judge you for not being yourself for a few weeks but still love you and pray for you – even when you don’t think prayers are working. Even when your questioning your faith and how this all works!!!!!!!
I had decided at the beginning of the summer that I was gonna stop waiting for the other shoe to drop … that I was gonna enjoy where I was at and stop living in fear of the next moment. I do this thing where I get so far in on a dream or goal and then get really real worried that I’m gonna loose what I worked for.
Then it happened – the shoe dropped and I got mad at God, mad at myself for trusting … just mad and I went into a really dark depression. My sweet husband kept us together the past few weeks, the house, the kids, the dogs, and he let me be, he let me be sad ( yet still encouraging me, even though I didn’t want to hear it) I wanted to be mad – I “deserved” to be mad because I put so much trust in Gods plan and then he took it away. Why does this always happen… why do I deserve this, why can’t I just be happy, everything always falls apart when I’m happy?? Just some of the ugly thoughts running through my head …
As the days went by with me sleeping, eating, and binge watching tv … my friends called, sent texts, and one even left a VM paying for me. I took space to morn the death of a dream & of a place … I took time ( when I could ) to just be mad and sad. No matter how hard I tried in the moments I couldn’t pull myself out of this darkness, I felt like I was drowning in life. The waves of pain wouldn’t stop and I couldn’t stop them. My eyes stung for about 2 weeks from tears my soul was crying.
The only thing I could pray for the past two weeks was God I need you to chase after me … I don’t have any hope except that you say that you won’t give up on me – I can’t see it or feel it – so I need you to come after me!
Of course he did!!! But he also showed me so much of what I still need to work on … so much of how when someone simply says they are NOT OK that can mean so much more then a simple OK …. I’m writing this not for myself but for that friend who slips into conversation that they aren’t ok … because in the darkest of my moments (and the lightest) I didn’t want to tell anyone how I really was feeling and honestly maybe I couldn’t except to just say “ I’m not ok “.
I was ashamed that I wasn’t being a good Christian and just trusting God … that I was questioning my faith in such a deep painful way. I was afraid no one else would understand and even if they did, that would would never say it because it’s embarrassing to say “ I’m pissed at God” especially to another believer because you know that you “shouldn’t” feel this way. That is not a good Christian thing to feel, say, or do …. right ???
Let me encourage you to say it … say “I’m not ok “ maybe ask “can you listen without judging me for a minute??!!”
And If you don’t have anyone that you trust – PLEASE please reach out to a therapist I have one on call that I can turn to because of the darkness that creeps in.
Sometimes saying it out loud can help more then you expect!!! If your in that place now and need someone to listen I’m here and I understand…. you are not alone!